SATIRE: Mayor of Bettendorf calls in U.S. National Guard in preparation for senior skip day

Every year, students decide to skip school on the Monday after prom. This widespread truancy has gone on far too long, and Mayor Bob Gallagher has a plan to bring this depravity to an abrupt end.

“I made a couple calls and sure enough, the National Guard had some soldiers with nothing better to do, so I got 1,000 of them to keep tabs on the kiddos,” Gallagher said. “Some people might think that’s too many, but I think it’s just enough. Two soldiers per senior and the rest for good measure.”

Lt. Gen. Joseph L. Lengyel, head of the U.S. National Guard, is in full support of this initiative and has decided to oversee the operation himself.

“In the case of students hiding inside their houses, appropriate measures will be taken. The tears from the tear gas we employ will be almost as great as the tears from their crippling regret afterwards,” he said.

Besides the tear gas usage on dissenters, the Guard promises to aid in the awakening of the students. Reports say that a combination of gunfire and cannons will wake light sleepers, heavy sleepers, and possibly even the deaf. Following the artillery barrage, a complementary and compulsory drill instruction session will be conducted and conclude with a march toward Bettendorf High School.

“This year,” Gallagher said, “we are truly leaving no child behind.”